This week, I’ve had it. Each day I’m like over it by 8 am. Moms, you get it. Every momma bear has hit the wall once or twice before. I mean, we can’t all be Joanna Gaines.
….But seriously. HOW does she do it all?….
A few weeks ago, I started a new Bible study with a few friends of mine. We’re doing Seamless by Angie Smith (which is fabulous, BTW). I was feeling reeeeeal great the first two weeks. I was getting in my Jesus zone daily. I was soaking it all in. I was whistling while I worked and my husband thought I had gone mental. With all this Jesus energy, I was buzzing around like Superwoman, excited for each day and everything it entailed: work, household chores, my toddler’s tantrums.
During this buzz, we watched The Case for Christ. At first, I was really nervous because some Jesus movies can be really cheesy (sorry..). But this one was really interesting. It talks about how Lee Strobel finds Christianity after trying to prove Atheism wrong. It’s based off a book, which I’ve heard is full of hard scientific facts, and throughout the whole thing, his wife keeps praying for God to soften his heart and so that he sees Jesus. It refers to Ezekiel 36:26: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” Well, long story short, I made this my prayer. I made this my prayer for my husband. I prayed it daily…hourly. It was going so great.
Then, this week began. And every. dang. day. I want to cry. I’ve been so exhausted I haven’t cared to pray, I’ve been angry at people that cut me off on the road (which I’m pretty sure Satan is relishing in, because there’s been at least four times as many idiots on the road this week), and I’ve been a grump to everyone I’ve come in contact with. My child….well he’s fed and bathed this week, but even he is being extra obnoxious. My husband and I have bickered everyday. Like I can’t drink enough wine to keep up with this week!
Today, it hit me. In the small praying I have done this week, I’ve asked God “WHY do I feel this way? Why do I feel discouraged. Like, HELP ME.” And I haven’t received much back. And you know why? Because I am just loving this heart of stone way too much.
I don’t WANT to have a soft heart. I don’t WANT to always do the right thing. I don’t want to be kind every second of the day. I don’t want to give to everyone that asks or needs.
I want recognition. I want when I want when I want it. I want credit. I want what I “deserve.” I want my way.
That’s not my purpose. I’m just dust and ash. I’m not doing anything this week to give God the glory. I’m not thanking God for anything. I’m not asking for His will. I’m wanting me way. Heart. Of. Freaking. Stone.
Mamas. Ladies. Whoever’s reading this. It’s hard. Life. Is. Hard. We give and give and work and sacrifice and we want credit where it’s due. But you know what? If we’re not doing it for Him, does it matter? Is what we’re doing TRULY leaving a legacy if it doesn’t have his name on it?
So, as I’m leaving this out here, you bet that I’m begging God to make this desire to be self-serving be GONE. I want that heart of flesh. I want to stop relishing in my own ugly, gross desire. But, that means leaving my heart on the table, and asking God continuously…even when it hurts….to make in me a new one.